Hope (yet again).

Well, oh my. It has been one month now. I am still clueless. I understand that I will never see Katie again. It still hits me like a confused pigeon heading towards a clean window, but I cannot ask for anything more or less.  I wish these emotions would come, yet I stay composed. I do not like this. The nights are still rough. I am able to think freely in these moments. As morbid as it seems, I am very curious about death (do not worry for me). I have dealt with death in my life. It has never been this difficult.

I would not be able to deal with this situation with the support of everyone. It is hard for me to look at pictures. It is even more difficult for me to use my mind to remember circumstances. I find Katie's death difficult. I want to act like it never happened, but I am incapable of this. My memories of CPR are all that consume me. I try to remember details but I am still unable (I want to share more stories, and will, just give me some time).  We had so many expectations for ourselves. They are still present.  Every night when I think of what we should be doing, I lose my breath.

I am unsure if I will ever be able to understand my present situation. I feel the pain of losing Katie at all times. I think my numbness is associated with this constant pain (as weird as this seems). I am afraid no one else will matter now. I am focusing to see my emotions again. 

We are all going to deal with rough times. I am very grateful for all of my friends and family (extended further than I would have ever imagined). I love each and everyone individually. I have difficulty ahead of me, but I enjoy each and every second I spend with you guys.

Everyone's support is PERFECT! 

I have been lazy with my mind; but now, I want to become well versed in all of my interests (and good at them). I do not expect anything less.