Hope (7).

 

I try not to write about the same issues in order to have a process in dealing with my thoughts, but I will continue until it has some sort of resolution.

I wrote before of my procedures I use to function during my daily activities and I think it is time I write of them again. I still wake every morning with the same feelings. I am still tricking my mind into believing a false sense of reality, focusing on more pleasant emotions. I am unsure if this will change nor do I believe I want this to change. My personality has a way of tricking itself into happiness. It is a false happiness, but I do not care. I am always going to be the guy who likes to smile.

This is who I am and it is not going to change; it is not something I am capable of changing. My smile is always going to be there, even if it is just on the surface. I enjoy the pain that I am going through; it is all I have left of our relationship. It is the driving force that is going to let me reach my goals; and even if the pain does leave, my motivation will stay. I trust my mind and its ability to cope.

I am not any different than anyone else who was able to call Katie a friend. We are all feeling the same pain. None of us know how to deal; all we can do is focus. Focus on who we are and who we want to be. The memories hurt but this is how our minds adapt to crises. I am not an expert on grief, but I do not believe you have to be. You have to stay true to who you are and use all the experiences you have had in your life to aid your mind in dealing with change. And then, let Katie's imprint on your life affect you in a positive manner. We do not have any reason or excuse for this not to occur. 

Katie and I shared many personality traits and interests. This always made for some interesting conversations about art, movies, literature, philosophy, even sports (she went for the team wearing green), as well as everything in between. We did not have to agree on everything, but we didn’t have to necessarily disagree either. I found myself trying to watch American Dad today. In my opinion, that is still a horrible show; but I have seen all of the episodes with Katie.

The emotions feel like they are going to explode at times, but for some reason they do not. I am an open book for the rest of my life. It is not something I will always enjoy, but it is my-way of self-preservation. As much turmoil I have experienced the past month, I still feel very lucky to be in the position that I am. 

I have observed that there are times when I feel that I am coping well and then there are times when it feels as though I am regressing (cyclical in nature as opposed to linear). I expect this to continue for some time.

There was a point where I could not shed a tear until I put myself in others shoes, feeling sorry for my situation. I feel as though I am observing everything going on around me as an outside observer, not a participant. I believe this to be another mechanism my mind is using to cope. I only break down by myself while thinking of my best friend that I am never going to see again.

I do not know how to live without Katie; but somehow everyday, I do and I will.