Hope (4).

It has been tough for me to write about how I am handling Katie's passing lately. I have been emotionless and numb. I am forcing myself to write however. When I do not make time to write, the days lose there importance. With everything that has occurred, I cannot let this happen. I am using this blog to have physical documentation of my pain. I do not want to forget anything.

It is hard for me to believe that it has been three weeks since I last saw Katie. My regular life is about to start over. This understanding does not mean I am prepared. I still have our weekly schedule memorized. She would be leaving for her night shift at Vista Health in 27 minutes (she was never late, always left early). We would be watching Shameless. These are the details in life that are going to be the most difficult. I have places I can go so that I do not experience these emotions, but I need this pain. I find comfort in solitude.

Katie is the only one for whom I feel sorrow. We had so many plans and I do not want to experience them without her. We were planning a vacation for the summer, a train ride to Chicago. We were both excited.

I am unsure how I am going to deal with our routine without her. I imagine it is going to be much like it has been these past few weeks: moments of grief, guilt, sadness, happiness, fatigue, focus, etc... My imagination focuses on what we would be doing the next day, next week, next month. How would these new events change our plans for the future?  I was excited to experience the hardships of life with her.

I have been waiting for all of my memories of our life to return. They are coming very slowly. When they come, I am consumed with joy; but following every great series of memories is sorrow. I realize the past is all I have now. There is never going to be anything new in our relationship. My mind is the only place I can have a conversation with her.

I was very concerned that I was not going to be able to continue with all that has happened. Understanding that I am going to be okay hurts. I do not believe I am ever going to be able to relinquish this grief. I am fine with this. It is time for me to get on with my routine and focus on my future. Katie would want this but I can not allow for this to be my primary reason. I will continue to focus every morning. I  want to experience success for Katie, but I have to want success for myself as well. I will miss her support but I still have my friends and family (this has grown). As much as it hurts to say, I will have to start saying "I" when describing my personal life instead of "we."

The realities of my life are being understood. I am thankful for every moment I had with Katie. I wish she could see the support that I am receiving in her honor. She was humble but I have to believe that she would enjoy this blog (right after she made fun of me for having it, heh).

Katie was more than a girlfriend. She was my future.