Hope (8).

Grief is not easy. It is impossible to ignore your own thoughts. It becomes very tiresome. I have been trying to keep my mind busy, but sometimes this is not enough. I have read books on this process, but this only manages the pain. This is all I can wish. There is not an easy way to get through these times and I do not believe anyone wants this process to be fast. 

Emotionally, I am beginning to realize the severity of my situation. My mind is starting to realize my tricks. It has been too long since I have spoken or seen Katie to act like nothing has happened. I really miss her. I still feel overloaded with thoughts about the two years we were together. This is a relatively short time compared with Katie's other friends and family. I cannot fathom having to reconcile 25 years of memories.

I enjoy talking with everyone and hearing stories about Katie. It is very bittersweet. There were so many things I did not know about her. Seeing pictures of Katie as a child creates the same unrest. She was very adorable. I can see the same expressions I cherished, even when she was small.

There are times when the emotions become unbearable. The way I cope is by taking myself out of the situation. This enables me to lose my distress and become an observer in my own reality. I can then try to critique the methods in which I deal and try to understand the benefits of everything I do. This is not easy, but it is a necessity for me.

I remember a conversation I had with a professor when I was going to school at Oklahoma State. I was trying to understand some principles in the relationship of Modern and Post-Modern Philosophies and how they corresponded with the aesthetics of Architecture. He mentioned two gods that the Greeks worshiped (I cannot remember the names). One God was all about rational, objective thought (God A), the other was an emotional entity (God B). People that followed God A were very interested in the math and sciences, while people that followed God B were interested in the enjoyment of life. I was intrigued when my professor talked about finding a balance between these two belief structures (I really hope I did this story justice). 

Life is full of balances that are relative to one another. Everyone's gauge of this balance is different. In dealing with my grief, my scale is off. The two philosophies cannot share the same space in my thought process. I am all emotions or all objectivity (almost two different psyches).I am not sure if this matters.

I have been complimented lately about my strength in dealing with Katie's passing. My strength is a product of being honest with myself and understanding my weaknesses. 

As I said before, I trust my mind during these rough times; but I am afraid of my future pain. I do not have any idea of what to expect from my thoughts. I am not worried about my mind, just nervous of its hardships.