While cleaning the apartment Monday night, I found Katie's day-planner (along with her journal I wrote about before). It was nice to see her writings. As I flipped through the pages I found many of her loved one's birthdays labeled as a reminder- an exclamation mark behind every one of them. Like most, she always enjoyed days of celebration with her friends and family.
I finally reached my day of birth. This was troublesome. My birthday card was taped to the page along with a list of gifts she was considering. Some of these were marked out. After I examined the list, the gifts crossed corresponded with conversations we had. It is very painful when I think of the time she spent on the planning alone. I am not sure how she was gauging my reactions, but I am guessing she did not consider my excitement level suitable for those marked. Any on the list would have been fine. Katie wanted this day to be perfect.
This was a sleepless night. I tried to abandon my thoughts through writing; this did not work. I focused on the wrong thoughts. My questions were directed towards different philosophies and the dogmatic, religious viewpoints they encompassed. My mind was searching for answers, but I lost sight of what was important. In this state, I did not have any business trying to answer any of these unsolvable questions. I needed to be focusing on Katie. Talking with her and bringing peace to my mind.
This has been my best coping mechanism. The lack of response offers my mind recognition of her passing, while speaking aloud curbs loneliness. I am trying to prepare myself for this next barrage of emotions, but I am unsure if my techniques are practical and/or effective. I believe the assumption of control was an illusion. There are going to be times when I am helpless. I need to observe the stimuli of these frantic thoughts; not to steer clear, but to function.
It took me eight, long years, filled with distractions, to graduate college (insert Tommy Boy reference here). I have never encountered anything of this magnitude, but my personality has never allowed me to abnegate from my goals/plans. During these times, this personality trait will not only be my strength, but also my weakness.
"People do not die for us immediately, but remain bathed in a sort of aura of life which bears no relation to true immortality but through which they continue to occupy our thoughts in the same way as when they were alive. It is as though they were traveling abroad." ~Marcel Proust
ReplyDeleteMuch love Robert, we need to hang out and get some drinks. You have my number.