Summer 2010.

Anna and Katie

Ian and Miranda's Wedding (Summer 2010, Little Rock, AR)

Hope (8).

Grief is not easy. It is impossible to ignore your own thoughts. It becomes very tiresome. I have been trying to keep my mind busy, but sometimes this is not enough. I have read books on this process, but this only manages the pain. This is all I can wish. There is not an easy way to get through these times and I do not believe anyone wants this process to be fast. 

Emotionally, I am beginning to realize the severity of my situation. My mind is starting to realize my tricks. It has been too long since I have spoken or seen Katie to act like nothing has happened. I really miss her. I still feel overloaded with thoughts about the two years we were together. This is a relatively short time compared with Katie's other friends and family. I cannot fathom having to reconcile 25 years of memories.

I enjoy talking with everyone and hearing stories about Katie. It is very bittersweet. There were so many things I did not know about her. Seeing pictures of Katie as a child creates the same unrest. She was very adorable. I can see the same expressions I cherished, even when she was small.

There are times when the emotions become unbearable. The way I cope is by taking myself out of the situation. This enables me to lose my distress and become an observer in my own reality. I can then try to critique the methods in which I deal and try to understand the benefits of everything I do. This is not easy, but it is a necessity for me.

I remember a conversation I had with a professor when I was going to school at Oklahoma State. I was trying to understand some principles in the relationship of Modern and Post-Modern Philosophies and how they corresponded with the aesthetics of Architecture. He mentioned two gods that the Greeks worshiped (I cannot remember the names). One God was all about rational, objective thought (God A), the other was an emotional entity (God B). People that followed God A were very interested in the math and sciences, while people that followed God B were interested in the enjoyment of life. I was intrigued when my professor talked about finding a balance between these two belief structures (I really hope I did this story justice). 

Life is full of balances that are relative to one another. Everyone's gauge of this balance is different. In dealing with my grief, my scale is off. The two philosophies cannot share the same space in my thought process. I am all emotions or all objectivity (almost two different psyches).I am not sure if this matters.

I have been complimented lately about my strength in dealing with Katie's passing. My strength is a product of being honest with myself and understanding my weaknesses. 

As I said before, I trust my mind during these rough times; but I am afraid of my future pain. I do not have any idea of what to expect from my thoughts. I am not worried about my mind, just nervous of its hardships.
 

Bill Hicks- It's just a ride.

A video Katie posted on Facebook (August 19, 2009).

A very special event.

I just had a memory, then corresponding happiness, of different times when Katie had the most joy from a seemingly very random/mundane situation. I can picture her smile light up, then the hug or conversation that followed. 

I have not had a moment like this since Katie's passing. It seemed very real. It gave me chill-bumps. I am counting on this happening again (April 19, 2011; 11:10am)

 

Image by Maliah Pinkerton.

 

I always enjoyed the beauty-mark below Katie's right eye.

Hope (7).

 

I try not to write about the same issues in order to have a process in dealing with my thoughts, but I will continue until it has some sort of resolution.

I wrote before of my procedures I use to function during my daily activities and I think it is time I write of them again. I still wake every morning with the same feelings. I am still tricking my mind into believing a false sense of reality, focusing on more pleasant emotions. I am unsure if this will change nor do I believe I want this to change. My personality has a way of tricking itself into happiness. It is a false happiness, but I do not care. I am always going to be the guy who likes to smile.

This is who I am and it is not going to change; it is not something I am capable of changing. My smile is always going to be there, even if it is just on the surface. I enjoy the pain that I am going through; it is all I have left of our relationship. It is the driving force that is going to let me reach my goals; and even if the pain does leave, my motivation will stay. I trust my mind and its ability to cope.

I am not any different than anyone else who was able to call Katie a friend. We are all feeling the same pain. None of us know how to deal; all we can do is focus. Focus on who we are and who we want to be. The memories hurt but this is how our minds adapt to crises. I am not an expert on grief, but I do not believe you have to be. You have to stay true to who you are and use all the experiences you have had in your life to aid your mind in dealing with change. And then, let Katie's imprint on your life affect you in a positive manner. We do not have any reason or excuse for this not to occur. 

Katie and I shared many personality traits and interests. This always made for some interesting conversations about art, movies, literature, philosophy, even sports (she went for the team wearing green), as well as everything in between. We did not have to agree on everything, but we didn’t have to necessarily disagree either. I found myself trying to watch American Dad today. In my opinion, that is still a horrible show; but I have seen all of the episodes with Katie.

The emotions feel like they are going to explode at times, but for some reason they do not. I am an open book for the rest of my life. It is not something I will always enjoy, but it is my-way of self-preservation. As much turmoil I have experienced the past month, I still feel very lucky to be in the position that I am. 

I have observed that there are times when I feel that I am coping well and then there are times when it feels as though I am regressing (cyclical in nature as opposed to linear). I expect this to continue for some time.

There was a point where I could not shed a tear until I put myself in others shoes, feeling sorry for my situation. I feel as though I am observing everything going on around me as an outside observer, not a participant. I believe this to be another mechanism my mind is using to cope. I only break down by myself while thinking of my best friend that I am never going to see again.

I do not know how to live without Katie; but somehow everyday, I do and I will.

A story about running.

If it is not known at this point, I am a smart-alec and always enjoy a well-conceived, well-executed practical joke. Katie and I shared this trait. Many times, we would try to make a situation awkward for one another (hints the reason why in many of my stories, Katie is rolling her eyes at some point). I will always remember Katie as a friend who had the intelligence to have an excellent sense of humor. Something that is not as common as we all wish.

When the weather accepted our intentions, Katie and I enjoyed spending some time walking at Gulley Park. Katie was content with walking at first (something I enjoyed), but later decided she wanted to start running (unless I am chasing a ball, I do not run). In my opinion, running is a means to an end. There are several social situations I would enjoy running, if it were socially acceptable (ie. walking to class). 

Back to the story. 

So, Katie wanted to start running. On the trip to Gulley one afternoon, Katie asked if I could show her the proper technique to run. I told her to act like your walking but do it faster and raise your knees. She rolled her eyes. She was more interested in how your feet should land, how to loosen your shoulders, how your toes should be pointing, how your hands move, etc... I did not go into these details until after I had some fun. 

When we got to the park I told her some of these running exercises are going to feel awkward and you might feel silly doing them. She accepted my terms, so we began. I showed her all the classics: the running with your hands in your pockets, the skipping with your hands in your pockets, the sideways run, the running without bending your knees, and the running without bending your elbows.

While doing our practical jokes, the jokester looked as ridiculous as the jokee at times. In this case, I looked like a complete idiot. The only one in which Katie participated was the running with your hands in your pockets. I started the jog, she followed right behind. This is where I messed up. She saw what I looked like while running in this manner and six steps into our jog, she stopped, and would not stop laughing. She realized my cheap intentions. 

Unfortunately, I was not ready to give up. I continued to show her the above mentioned exercises. She laughed at my disappointment. 

We walked the rest of this summer.

In another instance, we were at the gym. Katie was running/walking on the treadmill and I was sitting on the bench-press watching The Daily Show (this was before I noticed how comfortable the leg press machine was). She seemed like she was taking her work out a bit too seriously. I decided to walk beside her.

I started with the treadmill's lowest setting and continued from there (still on the lowest setting). The steady, slow speed of the track beneath enabled me to tip-toe flamboyantly. She tried to ignore me, but I was focused. I tip-toed for half a mile, she finally smirked. I tip-toed another tenth of a mile, she finally laughed. Some people walked towards us in gym, Katie walked away from me.

Little did I know, this was going to be one of the most extreme workouts I had since high school. Apparently, moving your body in slow motion on a treadmill is not kind to less than strong muscles. Balancing can be a very rigorous activity. Katie enjoyed my soreness.

I will never tip-toe on a treadmill again.

Hope (yet again).

Well, oh my. It has been one month now. I am still clueless. I understand that I will never see Katie again. It still hits me like a confused pigeon heading towards a clean window, but I cannot ask for anything more or less.  I wish these emotions would come, yet I stay composed. I do not like this. The nights are still rough. I am able to think freely in these moments. As morbid as it seems, I am very curious about death (do not worry for me). I have dealt with death in my life. It has never been this difficult.

I would not be able to deal with this situation with the support of everyone. It is hard for me to look at pictures. It is even more difficult for me to use my mind to remember circumstances. I find Katie's death difficult. I want to act like it never happened, but I am incapable of this. My memories of CPR are all that consume me. I try to remember details but I am still unable (I want to share more stories, and will, just give me some time).  We had so many expectations for ourselves. They are still present.  Every night when I think of what we should be doing, I lose my breath.

I am unsure if I will ever be able to understand my present situation. I feel the pain of losing Katie at all times. I think my numbness is associated with this constant pain (as weird as this seems). I am afraid no one else will matter now. I am focusing to see my emotions again. 

We are all going to deal with rough times. I am very grateful for all of my friends and family (extended further than I would have ever imagined). I love each and everyone individually. I have difficulty ahead of me, but I enjoy each and every second I spend with you guys.

Everyone's support is PERFECT! 

I have been lazy with my mind; but now, I want to become well versed in all of my interests (and good at them). I do not expect anything less.

Alejandro by Lady GaGa

Another song Katie enjoyed. I remember this one specifically because it has my name in it (Spanish style). Katie would always point in my direction when she sang my Spanish name, Roberto. As I drive, I find myself humming along with this song. 

I am seriously concerned that I am a Lady Gaga fan. This is not good for any aspect of my social life.

Author unknown.

 

Random images.

Intentions.

I want my intentions to be clear. Memories and concepts I express are from my perspective, not Katie's. I try to convey objectively and thoughtfully but I do not speak for Katie with anything I write with fear of misrepresentation. I take as many details of our life in account when I write and speak, but I can never expect myself to reach perfection in this task. By the nature of these writings and our relationship, an opportunity is present for fallacy.

I cannot encompass all of her personality and concepts in life with my writings. She had relationships with many friends and family members, as well as personal thoughts, that I cannot represent. I base everything I write on our interactions and discussions. Our knowledge for one another was immense and growing exponentially, but was bound by the structure of our relationship. 

I can only offer my perspective. I wish I could present more, but that would be naive. At times, this is upsetting; but I would rather be honest with myself and others than to portray Katie in a misconceived, absolute manner. I write in her honor alone.  

"It's as if one had a mosaic done in very, very, small, fine stones- one million of them. Then it was destroyed but somebody made a copy of it- but only using a thousand stones. And so the thousand stones still have the same colors and the same kind of arrangement; but much more coarse-grained, in a different medium, different stones. The original has been destroyed, but the copy exists in a coarse-grained version."
                                -Douglas Hofstadter 

Stripper by Sohodolls.

A song Katie enjoyed by the Soho Dolls. It reminded me of an experience we once had. It is a funny story that represents Katie's humbleness, natural spontaneity, enthusiasm and her ability not to take stereotypical views as truths.

One night we met with some friends for dinner. After the food went missing, everyone decided they wanted to take Katie to her first strip club (female dancers). I was not a fan of this idea, but conceded. We arrived early in the evening. It was clean. We transferred our larger bills for the singles and made our way to the front. I told Katie we should get quarters and "make it hail", Katie rolled her eyes (instead of dollars to "make it rain"- a friend's joke). We sat our drinks on the banister adjacent to the stage.

Katie was extremely impressed with the athletic ability of the dancers. She compared it with Cirque Du Soleil. Katie was out of bills within 3 songs, she used mine. During one of the dance numbers, a dancer's foot was misplaced and knocked a drink from the banister. It landed on it's bottom so that the liquid remained in the shape of the glass and shot directly toward our faces. The majority of the liquid missed Katie and I did not want to let the floors get wet, so I took one for the team (not exactly). It took five to ten minutes to clean our faces and the floors. Our dollars were gone.

One of the dancers let Katie borrow some of her eye-makeup because of the spill. Katie was so thankful and kept telling the young lady how beautiful and athletic she was. I was gathering our jackets when I arrived to the conversation. The dancer was thanking Katie and turned to me to say how beautiful and funny my girlfriend was. I was thankful but made it clear that she already had a job. The dancer laughed, Katie did not hear me.

Katie was always ready to try new things. I have never been a fan of strip clubs, they sort of disgust me; but when Katie mentioned how it reminded her of the Cirque Du Soleil, it briefly changed what I thought of the venue. Then it changed my thoughts on Cirque Du Soleil.

(smile)

Hope (5).

While cleaning the apartment Monday night, I found Katie's day-planner (along with her journal I wrote about before). It was nice to see her writings. As I flipped through the pages I found many of her loved one's birthdays labeled as a reminder- an exclamation mark behind every one of them. Like most, she always enjoyed days of celebration with her friends and family. 

I finally reached my day of birth. This was troublesome. My birthday card was taped to the page along with a list of gifts she was considering. Some of these were marked out. After I examined the list, the gifts crossed corresponded with conversations we had. It is very painful when I think of the time she spent on the planning alone. I am not sure how she was gauging my reactions, but I am guessing she did not consider my excitement level suitable for those marked. Any on the list would have been fine. Katie wanted this day to be perfect.

This was a sleepless night. I tried to abandon my thoughts through writing; this did not work. I focused on the wrong thoughts. My questions were directed towards different philosophies and the dogmatic, religious viewpoints they encompassed. My mind was searching for answers, but I lost sight of what was important. In this state, I did not have any business trying to answer any of these unsolvable questions. I needed to be focusing on Katie. Talking with her and bringing peace to my mind. 

This has been my best coping mechanism. The lack of response offers my mind recognition of her passing, while speaking aloud curbs loneliness. I am trying to prepare myself for this next barrage of emotions, but I am unsure if my techniques are practical and/or effective. I believe the assumption of control was an illusion. There are going to be times when I am helpless. I need to observe the stimuli of these frantic thoughts; not to steer clear, but to function. 

It took me eight, long years, filled with distractions, to graduate college (insert Tommy Boy reference here). I have never encountered anything of this magnitude, but my personality has never allowed me to abnegate from my goals/plans. During these times, this personality trait will not only be my strength, but also my weakness.

First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes.

This was my ring-tone on Katie's phone. I remember when I first noticed this, it made me proud (later changed to Everyday by Buddy Holly).

Katie's notes.

Katie enjoyed reading. She took notes anytime she found ideas of inspiration. I was cleaning today and found a journal in which she was writing some of these ideas down (I cannot source all of them). Along with these quotes, she had her Peace Corps recruiter's contact information, modeling information and contacts, and information on different charities that interested her. These quotes were discovered by Katie before we met. They represent a small glimpse into Katie's philosophies in life, not a complete illustration of them.

"Love each other or perish."

-W.H. Auden

"A child's heart is broken by misfortunes we consider trivial. It identifies completely with each incident, being unable to see it against the backdrop of a whole variable lifetime. A lot of living is required before the child can withdraw it's self-identification from the individual moment and approach, thereby, adulthood. Compared with children we are mature, but compared with saints we are children. No more capable of seeing our total selves in perspective than a three-year old who has dropped it's ice cream cone, our attention is fixated on our present lifespan. If we could mature completely we would see that lifespan in a larger setting, one that is, actually, unending."

"Life is a series of pulls back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted."

"The culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture does not work, don't buy it."

"The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

(Hopefully I can find more)

Tean Girl Squad 11.

Another Teen Girl Squad Katie posted on my Facebook wall. 

This Too Shall Pass by OK Go

A song in which Katie did not tolerate my eccentricities (I have always enjoyed Rube Goldberg machines and watched this video all the time).

Hope (4).

It has been tough for me to write about how I am handling Katie's passing lately. I have been emotionless and numb. I am forcing myself to write however. When I do not make time to write, the days lose there importance. With everything that has occurred, I cannot let this happen. I am using this blog to have physical documentation of my pain. I do not want to forget anything.

It is hard for me to believe that it has been three weeks since I last saw Katie. My regular life is about to start over. This understanding does not mean I am prepared. I still have our weekly schedule memorized. She would be leaving for her night shift at Vista Health in 27 minutes (she was never late, always left early). We would be watching Shameless. These are the details in life that are going to be the most difficult. I have places I can go so that I do not experience these emotions, but I need this pain. I find comfort in solitude.

Katie is the only one for whom I feel sorrow. We had so many plans and I do not want to experience them without her. We were planning a vacation for the summer, a train ride to Chicago. We were both excited.

I am unsure how I am going to deal with our routine without her. I imagine it is going to be much like it has been these past few weeks: moments of grief, guilt, sadness, happiness, fatigue, focus, etc... My imagination focuses on what we would be doing the next day, next week, next month. How would these new events change our plans for the future?  I was excited to experience the hardships of life with her.

I have been waiting for all of my memories of our life to return. They are coming very slowly. When they come, I am consumed with joy; but following every great series of memories is sorrow. I realize the past is all I have now. There is never going to be anything new in our relationship. My mind is the only place I can have a conversation with her.

I was very concerned that I was not going to be able to continue with all that has happened. Understanding that I am going to be okay hurts. I do not believe I am ever going to be able to relinquish this grief. I am fine with this. It is time for me to get on with my routine and focus on my future. Katie would want this but I can not allow for this to be my primary reason. I will continue to focus every morning. I  want to experience success for Katie, but I have to want success for myself as well. I will miss her support but I still have my friends and family (this has grown). As much as it hurts to say, I will have to start saying "I" when describing my personal life instead of "we."

The realities of my life are being understood. I am thankful for every moment I had with Katie. I wish she could see the support that I am receiving in her honor. She was humble but I have to believe that she would enjoy this blog (right after she made fun of me for having it, heh).

Katie was more than a girlfriend. She was my future.

Image by Maliah Pinkelton.

 

Sleeping In by The Postal Service.

On a road-trip returning to Fayetteville from Hot Springs, we had this song on repeat almost the entire journey. We both had the ability to listen to the songs we enjoyed over and over, and over (Katie many times tolerated my eccentricities).