Hope.

 

"i am content to think that some contradictions will remain contradictory, 
some problems will never be resolved by the mammalian equipment of the human cerebral cortex, and some things are indefinitely unknowable."

I am very aware that everyone handles grief differently. Following the first few days of Katie's passing I was so scared because I was having problems remembering our everyday life together. At times, I could not even remember the sound of her voice. It is however, starting to return; one spontaneous memory at a time. 

I was so worried about how my life was about to be drastically changed, but then I came to the realization that my mind is not ready for change. I am in control and until the time feels right (if that ever occurs), I am in a relationship and waiting to see Katie's beautiful eyes once again. I am not a bystander in my life but a controlling factor. I miss her so much; but through my writings, projects, and mutual friends, my memories are not going to fade.

The toughest times are before bedtime and when I wake. When I first wake, my mind does not yet realize what has happened this past week. I have a second or two of normalcy before I realize the reality of my life. I am developing a routine when I wake to help control this panic state- through breathing exercises and focus. I wake, start some coffee and get into the shower. While in the shower, I focus on the emotions and feelings I had when Katie was away on vacation a few months back. Some days it is tougher to get myself back to this state of mind but through focus, I have always been able to reach it. This is a mechanism I am using in order to get through my days. This does not mean however that I am tricking my mind into believing that she is still here. I know she is not. But focusing on those emotions and feelings of her being on vacation creates a buffer zone for me to deal with my everyday life. This does not mean my days are perfect. I still think about her and have to gather myself once again.

I am not participating in any alcohol consumption. I want to have my wits about me and in the helpless state I am in, the pain gives me some feeling of productivity.

I do not feel like I am alone. Katie and I spent all of our time together and we knew each other well enough that when I am walking along the sidewalk, I can have a conversation with myself and understand how she would react. Many times she is making fun of my cheesiness while smiling and rolling her eyes in dramatic fashion.

I am very focused in preventing this from destroying my life.