Hope (3).

 

It is difficult to enjoy having fun. I try to stay busy and stay social, but guilt is always the consequence. I will undoubtedly think about how much fun Katie would have in these different situations. How unfair it is that she will not be able to experience these events. When I become conscience of this, it is impossible for me to manage my thoughts. I wonder how she would want me to handle myself under these circumstances. This does not help. I know she would not want this to destroy my understanding of the world. She always wanted me to be happy but it was much easier when I was in her presence. Doing it on my own is an endeavor I do not wish to undertake, but I have no other choice. It is difficult to stay optimistic about my future while at the same time it is the only way to keep my sanity.

As mentioned before, I am very focused on pursuing the goals Katie and I had planned for our lives. Truth of the matter, I was too content when I was in her company. I needed her assertiveness to help achieve my potential; even then, I would rather be doing something random with her. The real world had not yet caught up with us, but it was coming fast. I am not content anymore. I am very motivated and have noticed an eagerness to be more aggressive in accomplishing these goals.

After the last two weeks my confidence has risen and I lack the fears that once created my inhibitions. Fear has become a futile noun. After the greatest fear you have is realized, all others lose importance (ie. cold water). Loneliness is all that is left, even when you are surrounded by all of your loved ones.

I do not fear loneliness but I am still having problems accepting it.

I am not sure if I am ever going to be able to accept the fact I am never going to see Katie again. I have never lost someone so special in my life. I am not able to separate my day to day activities from my emotions. I find myself losing control briefly in moments of thought (I knew my mechanism would fail eventually). I miss being able to talk with someone that allowed me to be completely open with my thoughts without judgment. We loved each other unconditionally and this made life easy, no matter what was going on.

I am trying not to repeat things I already wrote but it is more difficult than I imagined. I find my thoughts are still roaming like scribbles on a paper. There are times where new memories appear, but my line of thought also crosses paths of previous ideas.