Hope (2).

First, I want to thank everyone for there support. If I did not have my friends and family (Katie’s family is included when I say this), I do not know how I could handle this situation. I am trying to be transparent with my thoughts and emotions in order to protect myself from them.

Today has been rough. I have been trying to keep myself busy in order to keep my spirits high, but it seems as though this is not going to be enough. This is the most difficult event I have ever crossed. I will be having a conversation with friends and out of nowhere, it dawns on me that I am never going to see Katie again. When this occurs, my mind goes blank and I have the sensation that I am free-falling and my skin tingles. The more days that pass, the frequency of this condition increases. I have fallen back into a state of confusion that I had right after Katie’s passing.

I dread every night between ten o’clock pm and ten o’clock am. Katie is all I can think about during this time. Before I go to sleep, I try to think of all the happy times we had together but it turns to sorrow because I realize that memories are all I have left. I have always had very vivid and lucid dreams and this distress evokes horrible nightmares. I cannot always remember my dreams but I cannot drown out the pain from them when I wake. It is becoming more difficult to focus myself on those emotions I had when she was on vacation. I am afraid my mechanism to get through my daily activities is faltering. I do not want to give up hope that I will be able to see Katie once again.

I hate talking about Katie in a past tense.

I want all of my emotions to escape my mind. I have not been able to cry since Sunday (crying alleviates my headaches). It just feels like all of my thoughts are suspended behind a wall and there is a small faucet letting them through one at a time. I am waiting for these emotions to come bursting through, but I am afraid this is never going to happen. I do not want to keep them trapped, but I do not know how to release them.

The comfort I received when I felt like she was beside me is dissipating. There have been a few nights where I had physical sensations of Katie's touch. I was in bed one night and I felt warmth on my leg where we would usually touch when we were sleeping. Another night, I had to go to the gas station for some Ibuprofen and I felt the same warmth on my knee where Katie would usually have her hand placed when I was driving. I am not sure what caused these sensations, but they were comforting. I keep hoping they will return.   

I do not feel sorry for myself. In the process of growing up, I have realized that life is not always easy. Everyone goes through rough times. I promise to all my loved ones that I can endure these hardships. I want these feelings to dissolve, while at the same time, I do not want to let go of this pain. I am afraid that losing this hurt will change my outlook on life.

I live my life in moments and I am appreciative for every one of them.

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Katie's "blue steel" face was better than mine.